It has been 8 1/2 months since my husband passed away.  During this time, I have experienced loneliness, sadness, anger, and depression.  I had no idea how difficult it would be to work through all the paperwork left for me to deal with. In this post, I have included some of the things I learned while working through this nightmare called widowhood.

Grieving the Death of a Spouse

The following information comes from a website called Healgrief.org.  I found the information very helpful and comforting.  According to one article on the site losing a spouse is devastating and requires one of the most significant life adjustments a person will ever have to make. Some experts say that the loss and the new identity it thrusts upon the one left behind takes at least three years to adjust to and often much longer.

Loneliness is one of the biggest challenges

Because your spouse or partner was such a significant part of your daily life, their loss is usually felt more immediately and for longer. As devastating as your loss feels now, being alone doesn’t mean a lifetime of loneliness. It may be tempting to isolate yourself at this time, but reaching out to others for support is critical.

Finances are another challenge

When the death of a spouse comes suddenly and unexpectedly, the surviving partner is often left unprepared. Unfortunately, financial matters are often a challenge immediately after the death of a spouse. Enlist a trusted family member, friend, or financial advisor to help you make sound decisions and stay on top of any financial obligations or decisions that need to be made.

The death of a spouse can result in an unexpected financial situation, which may necessitate a change in one’s living situation.  Experts say that it is best to push these changes ahead for six to twelve months.  If possible, no significant decisions should be made during the initial stages of grief.  But for some seniors, losing a spouse can lead to the end of independent living.  You will eventually redefine yourself, and your life.

You have gone from being a husband, wife, or partner to a widow or widower. These words feel harsh and confining, and it’s difficult but critical to ensure that the new title doesn’t define you. As time passes, you will regain your energy and your hope for the future, as distant or unreachable as that may feel right now.

Grief is an unfortunate but inevitable part of life. The five stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are a framework for understanding the emotional responses to loss, but they are not necessarily experienced by everyone in the same order or at all. Grief is the universal response to dealing with loss.

Bargaining

When we experience grief, we often feel hopeless and overwhelmed. It is common to be overcome by statements of “what if” and “if only,” as we experience a loss of control over what is happening. During the bargaining stage of grief, a person attempts to negotiate or make compromises. We try to make agreements with ourselves, or a deal with a higher power, in exchange for feeling less sad or having a different outcome. Bargaining is often irrational. Examples of bargaining include:

• “If only I had brought her to the doctor sooner, this would have been cured.”
• “If only I had been around more, I would have noticed something was wrong.”
• “God, if you bring him back, I promise I will never lie again.”

Depression

Depression is a feeling of sadness and hopelessness that often results with the loss of a loved one. While the earlier stages of grief help to protect us from the emotional pain experienced with loss, often these feelings are inevitable. Symptoms of depression include

• feelings of sadness
• loss of interest in activities you normally enjoy
• changes in sleep
• significant changes in weight
• lack of energy
• feeling agitated or restless
• feeling worthless or guilty
• decreased concentration.

Acceptance

Considered the fifth and last of Kübler-Ross’s stages, acceptance refers to the period of grief when we finally come to terms with accepting the reality of our loss. When we have reached this stage of acceptance, we no longer deny or struggle against our grief. During this time, we work to focus our energy on celebrating the life of our loved one, cherish the memories that were shared, and make plans for moving forward.

Finding support

It is important to remember that the grieving process is different for everyone. Grief is not “one size fits all.” Learning how to deal with grief is crucial for your physical and mental health. Grief can cause changes in many aspects of your daily life, including:

• appetite
• sleep habits
• mood
• energy levels
• health problems, such as increased blood pressure.

Although grief does not generally require treatment, finding a support system can help you better manage your grief. For some people, confiding in others can help lessen the burden of emotions you are experiencing. The goal is to prevent the unhealthy consequences of grief from causing serious damage to your health and well-being. You may find support in people or groups such as:

• family and close friends
• grief counselors or therapists
• grief support groups
• religious or spiritual leaders
• your doctor.