This morning I had my second appointment with Nature Boy, the naturopathic doctor I saw two weeks ago. I must say that this appointment was quite the experience. Somehow we got on the topic of where I bought my food. I told him my favourite store was called M & M’s, specializing in frozen food. He was appalled and wanted to know what on earth I would buy at a frozen food store. I replied that I always bought frozen mashed potatoes for my grandson. The bloody nerve of this man! Nature Boy informed me that if I was rich enough to buy frozen mashed potatoes then I was rich enough to pay him more than $190.00 an hour for my appointments. What a way to impress potential long term clients or as I now call myself; a sucker. Nature Boy then informed me that his hourly rates where going up in a few weeks but that should be no problem for me. He must have wasted 10 minutes of my precious hour yapping about frozen mashed potatoes. Thank goodness I did not tell him that most of my meals come from M & M’s.
Nature Boy finally quit ranting and changed the subject to past illnesses and surgeries. Oh yes I should mention that whenever I spoke out of turn even if just to ask a simple question, I got a very condescending SHHHHHH and then was told that I could ask questions when he was done talking. He asked me if I had any chronic childhood illnesses. I replied that I did not. He then asked me about childhood surgeries. I told him I had had my tonsils and adenoids out at the age of 11. He shook his nasty finger at me and said, “See, you did have chronic childhood illnesses,” to which I replied, “No I did not unless you count a snotty nose as a chronic childhood illness.”
Nature Boy continued along the same lines of questioning. After I had described my 1983 back surgery in as much detail as I could remember, Nature Boy insisted that my memory was faulty. He claimed the surgery could not have been done the way I described it; that my back would have been fused. I told him that I might not be the brightest bulb in the tulip patch but I knew for certain that my back was not fused. Nature Boy gave me my first assignment; I am to contact the orthopedic surgeon who did this surgery in 1983 and get copies of all my back surgery files. As far as I am concerned this is an exercise in futility. After my back surgery I was able to downhill ski and skate. Surgery eliminated my back problem and I have never had a problem again.
After mentioning that I had a lumpectomy done in November, 1996, Nature Boy decided to give me a demonstration on how to do a breast exam. By now, it took all my will power not to fall to the floor in a heap of hysterical laughter. Here is this guy sitting in his chair across from me walking his fingers up and down his arms, in and out of his arm pits and up and down and around his pretend boobs. What made it even harder to maintain my composure was that Nature Boy actually demanded that I take notes. So my notes read as follows, and you must remember that Nature Boy is demonstrating to me as I am writing,
Sits on chair, puts his hands behind his head, pushes his hips forward, sits in a reclining position, walks up and down his arms, walks up and down and in and out of his arm pits, walks up and down and around his pretend boobs, then walks up and down a triangle from his shoulder to his ears.
What nearly made me loose bladder control due to extreme laughter was when he finished his left side and immediately proceeded to do the same demonstration on his right side. Me thinks the guy loves himself a bit too much.
Finally at the very end of the appointment Nature Boy got around to the blood tests. Now you must remember that when I first contacted him, I was told that Nature Boy took these amazing blood tests from each client. I was told that these blood tests could show anything and everything. They were used mainly to show food intolerances but if need be they could be used to test for practically anything under the sun. I was counting on these blood tests to produce some answwers.
When Nature Boy told me that it was blood test time I stretched out my arm in anticipation only to hear, “I only need your finger.” I looked at him in disbelief. Nature Boy took a tiny needle similar to the kind you get with a blood sugar monitor and poked my finger. Then out of nowhere he produced a teeny tiny little pipette which could hold all of 4 drops of blood. Naturally, the blood test was an extra charge on my bill.
All I can say is that I should have idiot and sucker tattooed on my forehead.
At the end of this appointment, Nature Boy informed me that I was a complicated case. Apparently in most cases, the complete medical history and blood work can be completed at the first visit. According to Nature Boy, taking my history and blood work will not take two visits but three. If I was in need of some comedy in my life I might consider a third session. Who knows, maybe Nature Boy has some more good routines up his sleeve. But alas, I have my own source for humor and so have no need to see Nature Boy again.
I have decided to stick with the mashed potatoes.