Today is March 16th and I have reached the limit of my patience. This has been an exceptionally difficult week for me. Quite frankly I may have found it so difficult because I have reached the end of what I can tolerate..
I am angry, discouraged, frustrated and no longer have a desire to keep up my commitments. My life has been pared down to the point where I have very few commitments but this week even those seem to overwhelm me.
At this point I do not think I am depressed but I do know that I am very angry. On April 3, 2003 it will be five years since I submitted to RAI. Five years from hell is the only way I can describe them. There is no relief in sight. Maybe my frustration and anger is a result of this nagging suspicion I have that I will have to live like this for the rest of my life.
It is becoming more and more difficult to keep these diaries up to date. After all how much kvetching can one person do? When I started these diaries in September, 2001, I had no idea that I would still be undiagnosed in March, 2003. Quite frankly, I have an overwhelming temptation to just call it quits.
My CT scan of the thorax and abdomen was on February 28th. No one has bothered to call me with the results. It would be nice to hear from someone even if the results were normal. However, when I really think about it, why would I even expect the courtesy of a phone call? There has been nothing courteous about my treatment in the last five years.
When I saw the Hustler on January 14th, 2003 he ordered a repeat of the 5HIAA test I had done in November, 2002. I had the test done that afternoon at the hospital.. Late January I received a phone call from the Hustler’s receptionist telling me that they needed my height and weight to determine the results of the test. A few days later I received another call from the same receptionist asking me if I had ever had problems with the lab at the hospital. I told her that the lab at the hospital had refused to do several of the blood tests that had been ordered by No Name. She then informed me that there seemed to be problems with my test results but that she would get back to me. It is now March 16th and I have not heard one word from the Hustler or his staff. No one has bothered to inform me of the results of the repeated 5HIAA test.
What is it about me that inspires this shoddy treatment by so called medical professionals? I realize that I am overweight and that I am not what I would consider attractive. Does this make a difference in one’s medical care? Is it because fat 54 year olds just don’t “turn them on”? Would my treatment be different if I was model slim, beautiful and vivacious? Is it because I am coherent, well spoken and knowledgeable and don’t meet their criteria that all 54 year olds must be dumb, menopausal hypochondriacs? I have come to the conclusion that I am being discriminated against by these so called medical professionals because I am a woman, I am fat, and I am 54. When I walk into their offices I don’t send a sensual message to their brains.
Who breeds these incompetent, arrogant, and discriminating individuals called doctor that I have had the misfortune to see?