May 2, 2002

Today was the day I had the appointment with Squirt. It turned out to be the appointment from hell.  My husband and I drove into the city arriving at Squirt’s office at 11:15 AM. Since this appointment was Squirt’s idea and not mine, I let down my defenses, became rather delusional and actually thought that today might be the day that my symptoms would be taken seriously.  After all Squirt had called me and told me that he felt it was now time to do the tests I had been asking for. I should have remembered that the doctors I see do not have my best interest at heart. They take me for a silly fool and act like my medical complaints are figments of my imagination. Even with my vivid imagination, I could never dream up the symptoms I am experiencing.

Words cannot express how tired I am of being insulted and dismissed by these so-called healers. The doctors I see have obviously never seen or heard the words “above all else do no harm.” The medically challenged frauds I have seen in the last four years have harmed my body and my soul.  They have called into question my honesty, my integrity, my intelligence and my self worth.  These doctors seem to be doing everything in their power to destroy me as a person of any worth or merit.  What can I do to protect myself?  What resources can I call upon to help me combat this obvious collusion on the part of my doctors?  My body and soul are beyond fatigue. The strength I need to combat this senseless, continuous disregard for my medical problems is fading fast. I now know for certain that in their eyes I am not a worthwhile human being but a disposable 54 year old woman.

Squirt began the appointment by telling me that he felt my symptoms were all related to a sleep problem. I told him that Bighead, the doctor from the sleep clinic, had written in his report that I had such minimal sleep apnea that he was convinced that a CPAP machine would be of no use to me and would make no difference to my medical problems.  I also told Squirt that Bighead had written a very detailed report to him.  After all Squirt was the one who referred me to the Sleep Clinic and insisted that when they found my sleep apnea all my problems would be solved. I went on to tell Squirt that Bighead had recommended quite a number of tests that he, Squirt, was suppose to order ASAP after my return from the Sleep Clinic. I gently reminded Squirt that I had returned on February 6th and that he had received that very detailed report from Bighead that very day. After all I had received the same report. Squirt hemmed and hawed as only Squirt can do and proceeded to tell me that he could recall no such tests.  At this point he was sitting at his desk with my file open and I was sitting a chair beside the desk. Upon hearing his ridiculous remark about not finding any suggestions for the tests I mentioned, I got up from my chair, elbowed him out of the way, found the page of the letter which listed the tests and read it to him. I must note here that I am very proud of my ability to constrain myself since throughout these four years of hell I have never done this man any bodily harm.  After this little exercise Squirt admitted that he had not read that part of the report.  He then stated that he would have to evaluate the tests that Bighead had requested for me and then decide if they were pertinent.

It was at this point that Squirt got on his high horse and informed me in no uncertain terms that I had been to many many doctors and had had many many tests. This was done with his arms flailing in mid air to add drama to his ludicrous statement. By this time I was getting that all to well known sinking feeling in my stomach. I also realized that the only redeeming thing about this appointment would be the fodder it would give me for my website. Squirt then elaborated and emphatically stated that I had seen so many doctors in so many places and had had so many tests done that he saw no reason for more testing or more doctors. Be proud of me – I remained a pacifist. He yammered on about this for a few minutes longer but I will not go into detail. The conversation at this point was so moronic that I would be embarrassed to repeat everything he said. I will repeat the following statement he made which just shows you how shallow his thought patterns really are. He told me that just because I did not feel well did not mean that I was sick or had an illness!  Now isn’t that profound?

When he finally shut that big gap in his face and I collected my thoughts, I told him that he need never call me again for an appointment. I told him that with an attitude like his, it was a colossal waste of time for me to drive into the city and spend even one minute in his presence.

I then went on to tell him that all the doctors I had seen, except for two, had been referred by him. The only two that had not been referred by him were the doctor in the town I live in who I see in emergency situations at the clinic and the endocrinologist in the city in the west. I told him that I was an intelligent woman who had a brain and that I did a lot of research and reading about my symptoms. I told him that his friends, those medical wonder boys he sent me to, had all asked me what I thought was wrong with me.  I, in my stupidity, had always answered them.  My answer to that question had been that I had many of the symptoms associated with endocrine problems.  I told Squirt that his buddies immediately took offense at the fact that I had researched my symptoms and did everything in their power to prove me wrong.  I told him that the only testing any of them had done was 24 hour urines for Cortisol and one water deprivation test which the endocrinologist did not bother to complete. I told Squirt that these idiots, yes I called his buddies idiots, had never once even contemplated looking at my symptoms objectively and once they disproved Cushing’s and Diabetes Insipidus they left me dangling in the wind. None of them made any attempts to try and figure out what the problem might really be. I told Squirt that they were so insecure about their own intelligence that they did everything in their power to destroy the credibility of a woman with intelligence. Squirt then sheepishly admitted that doctors had a problem with patients who “knew their stuff.”  My answer to him was, “How did such petty people ever get admitted to medical school?” I also told Squirt that with an attitude like that the harm these doctors inflict upon innocent patients is unforgivable.  I told Squirt that I had decided that the next time a doctor would ask me what I thought was wrong with me; I would do a silly giggle and say “Oh dearie, I am 54 and I don’t think anymore!” Squirt then apologized on behalf of the doctors he had sent me too.  Quite frankly it was too little too late.  Course it would never occur to him to apologize for his own behaviour. The thought that went through my head was “what a wooze.”

Squirt shifted around his chair for a few seconds and then said that he would order a few of the tests the Sleep Clinic doctor had recommended. My answer to that was, “How very efficient of you since it is now May 2 and you have had that report in your hands since February 6th.” I asked Squirt if I could have the Alpha Subunit test including LH, FSH, estrogen, progesterone, testosterone and a thyroid panel. Squirt’s answer to that was that he did not know what an Alpha subunit test was and therefore could not order it. He also said, “So I guess you think I am a fool as well!”   At this point I was so utterly and completely physically and emotionally exhausted that I did not bother to respond to his question or to his request that  I explain the alpha subunit test to him.  I gave up.

I realized then that there was no use in asking for the tests he had promised to do. I also realized that doing those tests had never been part of his agenda. It became crystal clear that my agenda and his agenda would never ever be even close to being compatible. Squirt then decided at the last minute that he would give me a requisition for a few of the blood tests that Bighead had recommended. The tests included a BUN, Creatinine, Calcium, Magnesium, Hemoglobin, Ferritin, TSH, Folate, WBC, Potassium, Sodium, ESR , ANA, RA and Bone Density Screening. Bighead had recommended that I be investigated for hyperaldosteronism but Squirt reiterated that it would be a total waste of time and money. He made sure I understood that as far as he was concerned the potassium crisis I had in January was due to the potassium sparing diuretic I had been on for over a year. Go figure!

When the Dingaling wrongly diagnosed me with right side heart failure in January, Squirt wanted me to see a cardiologist. I insisted on seeing a cardiologist of my choice which was one of the better decisions I have made regarding my health care. The cardiologist I saw was professional, friendly, caring and was very knowledgeable. He wrote a report to Squirt which included a recommendation that I see an endocrinologist at the city hospital. The cardiologist happened to chose Supercilious who I saw a year ago this coming June. I told Squirt that the only reason I was consenting to see this endocrinologist again was because the cardiologist had recommended it. I made very sure that Squirt understood that I expected him to convey the right reasons for this visit to the endocrinologist. We will soon see if Squirt is capable of conveying the right information.

Next time Squirt calls me and tells me he wants to see me, I will tell him to go find someone else to harass and abuse. I have had more than enough.  On the way home from the appointment my husband and I decided that maybe it is time for me to see a naturopath.  I will have to think long and hard about my next move. I desperately need medical attention but the big question is where will I go next?

Please forgive the over use of I at the beginning of too many sentences.  Quite frankly I am too tired to change the grammer mistakes.



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