February 21, 2003

The temperature outside is just too cold for this time of year. Hopefully it will begin to warm up in the next few days. I must get motivated and up date my website diaries. It is too easy to stay mired in this slump I am experiencing.

My daughter came to spend yesterday afternoon with me. I worked on the business books and she worked on her play. (I have remote access to the office so I can work on the books in the comfort of my den). My daughter’s intensity and concentration on research and writing should have given me warning signs but I ignored them. My son in law and grandson arrived after school/work and the three of them had dinner with us. They left our house for home around 6:30 PM. Again I should have been more observant and noticed that my daughter was insisting that they go home.

My son in law called at approximately 7:00 PM. I knew immediately that we had a problem. He informed me that my daughter had hurt herself shortly after they arrived home. Son in law told me that grandson did not know what happened and wanted grandson picked up as quickly as possible. Papa brought grandson back here and then he went into the city with son in law and daughter. Grandson had been told that mommy needed to go back to the hospital so he was upset when he got here. This illness and the subsequent hospitalizations are so difficult for an 8 year old boy. Grandson and I had a long talk about this illness and about hospitalization. It is hard to explain bipolar illness to an 8 year old. The hardest question to answer is “why does my mom have this illness?” I wish I knew the answer to that question. I have asked myself this over and over again.

After a 5 hour wait in the emergency department, my daughter was finally admitted. It is hard to imagine that someone who is mentally unstable and bleeding from numerous cuts is left to sit in the emergency waiting room for five hours before they are seen by a doctor. Such is the state of our medical system. Even after all these years, ten years to be exact, it is still difficult to come to terms with my daughter’s illness. My daughter was a vibrant young woman, involved in theatre and television since the age of 14, enrolled in her fifth year at university when this illness reared its ugly head. Life changed for her that December when she was admitted to hospital for six weeks.

Grandson spent the night and since there was no school today we could spend it together. We had lunch at my parents’ house, my usual Friday routine. After lunch I took him to the pool to swim. After swimming Grandson decided that he wanted a haircut. He not only got a haircut but had blue highlights put in his hair. Grandson thought he looked and I quote, “amazingly cool.”

Even though I am exhausted I have been able to keep up with what needs to be done. I find it incredible that I can keep pushing this body of mine no matter how horrible I feel and no matter how tired I am. There must be something to “mind over matter.” I made a silent promise to my grandson a long time ago. That promise was that no matter how I felt I would be there for him. He would never know that I was pushing myself beyond what I thought I could. This child does not need another disabled female in his life and I will do everything in my power to make sure that I will be a constant in his life.

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